Giving It All Up, For All That I've Lost
by Jaspers-Girl-and-u-no-it
Summary: Ever wondered what was going through Edward's mind as he stood, ready, to step into the Volterra sun? Here's what I think. Enjoy! Discontinued! Don't like story anymore, only first few chapters!
1. Chapter 1

The noon-high sun ricocheted off my bare, granite chest. Wavy brown hair, a small smile. The beautiful face was perfect to my lidded eyes, her beauty insurmountable. I internally cringe as a sudden flash of intense pain knifes my un-beating heart. The same face materializes again, and I curse my photographic memory for keeping this picture perfectly preserved in my tortured mind. Bella, _my_ Bella. No, she wasn't my Bella any longer. The memory of her in the forest, tears streaming down her pale cheeks refuses to vacate my agonized thoughts, and I consider stepping from the shadows a bit earlier then planned. I don't though, instead unwillingly having that memory of her face stick fast to my conscious.

I want my last memory of her to be, well… Not the one before me now, anyways. I scrounge my crystallized memories, scanning my favorites. The ones that contain Bella. _Ah_. Her curious smile, head crooked to the side. This memory was from when I brought her out to watch my family play baseball. This memory was right before she was caught, brutally beaten, and nearly killed because of me.

As always, I remind myself that it was entirely my fault she's gone, knowing full-well that it is. If I hadn't ever put her in danger by falling in love with her, by existing, she would still be alive today. With Bella's luck, she would probably be in a cast, but still alive. A smile lit on my face at that thought as I stared into space, or more accurately, at the damp, slimy wall mere feet from where I stood.

_What in the world is he doing?_ The thought wasn't in English, but I understood it perfectly. Years of extreme boredom had given me time to learn various languages and get endlessly better at playing on my piano. At the thought of my piano, I begin to absently hum Bella's lullaby, aching for her familiar warmth in my stone-like arms. Warmth that I would never feel again. I felt like crying, and wished desperately that I would be allowed a few tears in my last hours to little avail. I sighed, repeating her lullaby to myself over and over.

The clock above the courtyard chimed loudly once, twice, three times. I let the chimes fade into the background, focusing instead on the memory of her smiling face, her light, melodic voice. Her scent hit me strongly then, and I thanked God that I was able to remember her smell, freesias and strawberry shampoo, so distinctly. The voice I was hearing faded into a more anxious one. Her voice broke as she relentlessly screamed my name over and over again. The despair in her voice was like a blade to my chest, twisting painfully as the sound of her pain became mine. I desperately wished to hear her peaceful voice again, but my mind wouldn't conjure anything besides this panicked, pain-filled chorus.

I realized that I'd had my face turned towards the sky, and decided to keep it there. I felt the corners of my mouth lift slightly, not at the anxious thoughts of the townspeople out in the sun, but at the memory of her face. I took a step, and then another. The next, I knew, would be my last, and I relished in that thought. Finally being free of this tortured, hellish existence was the best thing I could image now, besides Bella coming back to life. I almost laughed at myself, and I focused on her hard, lifting my foot to end my existence.

A soft, warm object collided with my granite-like chest, and I reached out quickly to find what had lightly hit me with my hands. My fingers closed around two soft, slender arms carefully, habit keeping my touch light. I opened my eyes, and found myself staring into twin, chocolate orbs. I felt my still heart melt, even as the depthless brown eyes were filled to the brim with anxiety and another emotion. The gates to her soul contained a large amount of relief, and surprisingly, love as well.

_Wow,_ I mused silently. _This shows worse mental health then hearing her voice constantly._


	2. Chapter 2

"Amazing," I marveled to myself, not in the least bit worried about the large crowds of people who had seen me anymore. They were still living, and though I hadn't actually lived ever since the summer of 1918, I hadn't really felt alive ever since Bella died. The word _die_ was sickening to hear in the same sentence as my Bella's beautiful name. I found myself amused with the narrow-minded view I had always held concerning the issue of whether we vampires still had souls. Now that I was in heaven, which was certain because Bella was present, I knew that vampires must retain at least part of their souls, otherwise I would never be where I am presently. "Carlisle was right." I could hear the amusement that leaked through my tone, and was sure by the slight change in Bella's expression, which I could not quite place, that she had as well.

"Edward!" Her voice was faded as though she had been screaming, or drowning. I internally winced when I reasoned that her voice may sound like that due to the way her death came about, not liking the drowning part _or_ the death part at all. "You've got to get back into the shadows. You've got to move!" _Silly, beautiful Bella_, I thought as I stroked her cheek lightly with the back of my hand, habit keeping my touch light. Didn't she know we were in no danger now? We were together now in heaven, and safe. Her hands were two spots of heat blazing pleasurably on my chest, and I was delighted to find that she still felt warm to me. I was disappointed, however, when I realized that most likely suggested I still felt cold to her.

Panic and fear churned in her eyes, but was quickly being overpowered by relief and _love_. I wondered briefly if she would ever forgive me for what I had done to her, but quickly forced that question away for later. Her scent, which had been assaulting me with its sweet temptation, finally entered the forefront of my mind. While my body thirsted for her blood, which I found strange as we were both dead and in heaven, my heart and mind thirsted for her. I longed to wrap my arms around her just to feel her warmth spread through my frozen body; to kiss her lips gently, taking comfort from the love and warmth that was Bella; to stare into her eyes forever in an attempt to understand her better; to be able to read her mind if only for a second, just to know how and what she thought.

"I can't believe how quick it was," I mused, thinking of course, about how the Volturi had obviously dispatched me. " I didn't feel a thing—they're very good," I realized. Giving into temptation, I closed my eyes as I pressed my lips into her soft hair. Nearly sighing in satisfaction, I recognized the scent of her strawberry shampoo mingling with the freesia scent of her blood as it overtook me. "_Death that hath sucked the honey of thy breath, hath had no power yet upon thy beauty._" Quoting Romeo seemed to fit perfectly in this moment, that line being the one spoken when he found his love Juliet in her tomb. Never before now had I understood what about that movie, particularly that one part, that had made salty tears well up and spill from Bella's chocolate eyes. Now reenacting that tragic story that I had always thought of as an unrealistic sell-out, I was able to connect it with my own life. To be more accurate, my own death. The last chime sounded in the courtyard, and I wondered briefly why heaven looked exactly like the hateful earth I had just left. There was so much I didn't yet understand, though, I decided to let it drop.

"You smell just exactly the same as always," I told her, sighing as her intoxicating scent once again assaulted my senses. "So maybe this _is_ hell," I admitted, still not completely rid of my deeply rooted belief that vampires lost their souls. Of course, that would suggest that Bella was only a figment of my imagination, for someone as good as her could never find her final rest in hell. "I don't care. I'll take it," I decided, willing to have only Bella's memory with me for the rest of eternity. It was better for her if we were separated for eternity. That thought sent a sharp jolt of pain coursing through my being, that I quickly forced back.

"I'm not dead," she said quickly. "And neither are you!" I didn't know what to think of her last statement as it made me extremely confused, so I chose to ignore it. "Please, Edward, we have to move. They can't be far away!" Her voice was so full of pleading, I found myself unable, as well as unwilling to ignore what she was saying. Who was they, though?

"What was that?" I asked, my forehead furrowing in confusion. She was shifting around in my hold anxiously, but I was unwilling to let her go. Her obvious anxiety was transferring to me, and I had to force my voice to sound extremely polite to cover up my nerves.

"We're not dead, not yet!" she repeated urgently. "But we have to get out of here before the Volturi—" It dawned on me suddenly, that she _had_ to be telling the truth. I could suddenly hear the thoughts of the last people I ever wanted to meet Bella. Said people could never and would never wind up in heaven if someone did a good deed and rid the world of them. Before Bella could finish speaking, I lifted her up gently, being sure not to break her fragile body, and placed her so that the brick wall I had been examining earlier was to her back, and I was protecting her front. I found myself slightly disappointed that there was no proof as to the existence of my soul, but pushed that thought onto the back burner as I stood before the love of my life—rather my existence. I spread my arms wide in a protective stance, just as two familiar forms detached themselves from the shadows, their thoughts troubling to say the least.


	3. Chapter 3

**A.N. So sorry!!!! I'm a horrible person, I know! I can't believe I haven't updated for over a month! I meant to update earlier this week, it being Spring break, but of course I came down with some nasty flu, or strep (we're not yet sure) on the very first day. I'm still sick, but I feel up to writing today, so I gave you all a long update by my standards. Enjoy!**

"Greetings, gentlemen," I said, miraculously managing to keep my tone civil, even friendly. "I don't think we'll be requiring your services today. I would appreciate it very much, however, if you would send my thanks to your masters." Even as I hoped with all my heart that it wasn't so, I knew that by fleeing to Volterra I had managed to doom not just myself, but Bella as well. There was no way that the Volturi would let us go now that it was evident exactly how much Bella knew. It was ironic, really, in a sick way; Bella may end up how I already thought her to be, dead.

"Shall we take this conversation to a more appropriate venue?" asked Felix, the menace coloring his voice making Bella's heart speed up to a rapid, unhealthy pace.

"I don't believe that will be necessary." I found myself unable to keep the edge out of my voice, knowing without hearing his thoughts exactly what happened to be the 'appropriate venue.' "I know your instructions, Felix. I haven't broken any rules." _Really? Then how does the girl know of our existence, Edward?_ I threw a sharp glance at Felix, holding back a growl that would surely frighten Bella.

"Felix merely meant to point out the proximity of the sun," came Demetri's voice. It was meant to sound soothing, and to a human's ears it would. Bella, however, failed to relax from her place behind me, and her body heat, increased by her fear, was searing my back pleasantly. _Of course that's what I meant, Edward. Why ever would you think differently?_ Felix's thoughts were taunting, and it took all I had not to jump him. If I did, though, Bella would be left unprotected, and that would be unacceptable.

"Let us seek better cover," suggested Demetri. By us, I knew, he meant everyone, even Bella. I couldn't let Bella enter the castle, because if she did she may never see the sunlight again. I shuddered at that dark thought, horrified at the picture that crossed my gaze. I knew they wouldn't let me get away, but there was still a chance for Bella.

"I'll be right behind you," I said, my voice dry. "Bella, why don't you go back to the square and enjoy the festival?" Of course, they weren't to agree with that.

"No," Felix insisted, leering at Bella hungrily, "bring the girl." _Bring the snack_, he thought. I growled at him, much too low for human ears.

"I don't think so," I snapped back, injecting ice as cold as my own skin into my statement. I shifted my weight, responding to Felix's readiness to attack. If it came to it, I would fight to protect Bella. There was no way I would win, but I could possibly prolong the fight long enough that she could escape into the crowds, where they couldn't grab her for fear of exposing themselves.

"No." The whisper of air from Bella's lips was barely audible, even to me. It continually amazed me how observant she was, especially since she managed to catch my slight shift from defensive to offensive.

"Shh," I murmured, not wanting her to draw any more attention to herself than possible. Her scent was beginning to overwhelm me, and having not fed in as long as I have, I was beginning to have severe trouble resisting the temptation.

"Felix," warned Demetri, who obviously noticed his posture as well. "Not here." He turned to face me once again. "Aro would simply like to speak with you again, if you have decided not to force our hand after all." Though Demetri seemed to be telling the truth judging by his thoughts, I didn't relax my protective stance in front of Bella.

"Certainly," I agreed, adding my own rule. "But the girl goes free." Demetri shook his head slightly, a movement too small to be seen by Bella.

"I'm afraid that's not possible. We do have rules to obey." The regret coloring his tone wasn't shared by the tone of his thoughts, which were laced with annoyance and thirst for the floral scent wafting from Bella.

"Then _I'm_ afraid that I'll be unable to accept Aro's invitation, Demetri." Felix, entirely too pleased by my refusal, salivated at the possibility of getting to tear us both to pieces.

"That's just fine," he purred, his crimson eyes shining with excitement like a young child on Christmas. Absolutely sickening.

"Aro will be disappointed," Demetri sighed. Aro would, indeed, be disappointed in his own strange way, but Demetri couldn't care less as long as he got to feed soon. Apparently Heidi was returning with food, humans, relatively soon.

"I'm sure he'll survive the letdown," I said honestly, knowing with a sickening finality that they were done conversing. The two Volturi guards spread so that they were cover both ends of the ally, and moved in towards the center where I stood, in an attempt to push us into the shadows to avoid a scene. I stayed still, fearful for Bella. If I could have gotten her into the crowd earlier, she may have had a chance, but now it was too late. I was so stupid, and selfish. If I hadn't come here to take my own life, then Bella and I wouldn't be losing ours.

Catching a light pattering of familiar footsteps, I whipped my head around. The two other vampires did the same as Alice came over and placed herself beside me.

"Let's behave ourselves, shall we?" she suggested, her voice light and carefree. Her body language, too, was unconcerned. "There are ladies present." She was, of course, referring to her and Bella. I turned back to Felix and Demetri quickly. Their faces held contempt and disgust. Even numbers weren't quite as preferable to them as two on one.

"We're not alone," Alice pointed out. Demetri threw a glance over his shoulder at a family a few yards away. The woman was urgent, speaking quickly to her husband as they watched us suspiciously. She quickly looked away when Demetri locked eyes with her, and her husband walked into the plaza a ways to tap an authority member in a red blazer on the shoulder. Shaking his head, Demetri pleaded,

"Edward, let's be reasonable." That, I could agree to.

"Let's." Demetri was shocked that I had agreed so easily, but he hadn't considered what I might mean to be reasonable after all. "And we'll leave quietly now, with no one the wiser." Demetri sighed, quickly losing his will to act civil. Six of the red-dressed authority members had joined the small family to watch us with concern.

"At least let us discuss this more privately." I knew he meant for us to discuss this within the walls of their castle, and there was no way I could allow such a thing.

"No," I disagreed harshly, surprised at how loudly I mashed my teeth together. Felix grinned at the figure approaching from behind us.

"Enough," commanded Jane's high, reedy voice. Felix and Demetri relaxed their offensive positions almost immediately, stepping back to make way for the tiny, powerful vampire. Defeated, I let my arms drop, relaxing my defensive stance.

"Jane," I sighed in resignation. Alice, somehow, managed to look impassive, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Follow me," Jane commanded, her voice monotone. She turned and walked back in the direction from which she appeared, melting into the dark shadows of the ally quickly. Felix gestured for us to follow her, smirking victoriously as he waited with Demetri to herd us from the rear. Alice began walking immediately, and I followed, wrapping my arm around Bella's fragile waist protectively, reassuringly.

The ally sloped downward as it narrowed. I turned to look at Bella, and was met by her frantic eyes, full of questions. I shook my head regretfully, not willing to tell her what was likely to happen to us.

"Well, Alice," I struggled to keep my tone normal, to keep my many questions for her quieted, "I suppose I shouldn't be surprised to see you here."

"It was my mistake," Alice responded, her voice just as easy. "It was my job to set it right." _Indeed it was_, I thought to myself bitterly. Immediately I regretted my bitterness towards my sister. She hadn't purposefully gotten a faulty vision, she just had. And here she was, dooming herself to give Bella and I a better chance. Guilt ate at my gut as her longing to live, to see Jasper again escaped to the forefront of her mind. _It's not your fault, Edward, _she assured me. _If I never see him again it will be the punishment I deserve._

Changing the subject quickly, I asked,

"What happened?" I struggled to keep my tone only slightly interested in an attempt to not let the Volturi members know just how much Bella meant to me. Obviously, though, with me having come to have them kill me because I thought Bella was dead, I wasn't fooling anyone.

"It's a long story," Alice's eyes flickered to Bella quickly, then away again. Her thoughts were carefully controlled, not letting me know, much to my frustration, just how big a story it was. _Don't overreact, Edward. Think of Bella._ I grunted reluctant approval quietly, so that only Alice could hear.

"In summary," she continued, hesitant to give me the whole story, lest I break my promise and overreact, "she did jump off a cliff, but she wasn't trying to kill herself. Bella's all about the extreme sports these days." I could hear Bella's heart speed up slightly, and I looked down to see her turn away as a beautiful rosy blush climbed up her porcelain cheeks. I sighed silently. I had missed her blush. I managed to avoid reacting as all of Bella's 'adventures crossed Alice's mind. That is, until of course, I found out that Bella had been keeping the company of werewolves.

"Hm." My tone was curt, as I found myself unable to keep my tone completely casual. _Edward,_ Alice warned. As we reached the end of the ally, Alice thought, _I'll go first._ Without hesitating, I watched as my sister dropped easily down the small hole in the street. _Pass her down,_ she urged. I could feel Bella's fear and hesitation, and I quickly tried to reassure her.

"It's all right, Bella," I whispered reassuringly, "Alice will catch you." I would have preferred to go first as to be the one to catch her, but with Demetri and Felix waiting just behind us I felt much better guarding her from the back and having Alice catch. Bella sat, letting her legs through the gap.

"Alice?" The trembling in her voice tore at my heart, and I wished with all my heart that I hadn't gotten her in this position in the first place.

"I'm right here, Bella," Alice called back, her voice reassuring. I took hold of Bella's wrists gently, and lowered her as far as my arms could reach into the blackness. Dropping down with her safely in my arms would be preferable, but the hole was much too narrow.

"Ready?" My question was both for Alice and Bella.

"Drop her," came Alice's response from a few yards down. I could see Bella's eyes, even in the dark, close tight in terror, and I wished fervently that I could take her fear as my own, but it was impossible. I settled for fearing for her landing. I trusted Alice, but our arms weren't exactly soft, and Alice wasn't a professional yet when it came to catching Bella. She was sure to have some bruises from this. Bella clamped her lips tight, and I let her fall, feeling as though I had just made the drop, human, myself.

The sound of air leaving Bella's lungs harshly made me cringe, as I anticipated worriedly checking for bruises. _She's fine, Edward. Come on,_ urged Alice. As soon as my feet hit the stones below, I wrapped my arm around Bella once again, holding her close, and started forward. I would have preferred to carry Bella, what with her tripping over the uneven cobblestones as we progressed swiftly, but I wasn't sure if she would approve of such contact after what I said to her mere months ago. Had it really only been months? It felt as though it had been centuries, an eternity even. I felt Bella shiver as the clang made by the grate being dropped over the hole it the street sounded through the underground tunnel.

The sound of Bella's feet slapping the wet stones reverberated loudly through the wide tunnel, contrasting greatly to the nearly silent patter made by the rest of us. I reached my hand across her body, unable to keep myself from tracing her lips with my thumb, the familiar texture of her soft flesh heavenly. I continually pressed my face into her hair, savoring the way she smelled of strawberries and freesia, even after having come from all the way from Forks, and most likely not having had a chance to have a 'human moment' since she was last home.

Pressing my lips to her forehead lightly, I wanted to be allowed tears just for this once as I realized we would most likely die within the next hour. She always had loved Romeo and Juliet, and now we were getting their tragic ending. I pulled my lips away, instead pressing my palm to her cheek reassuringly as the floor slanted further below-ground.

As the light slowly grew brighter, I swallowed my scream of frustration as I realized my moment with Bella was all but over, and we were soon to meet our fate. A clicking sound suddenly started up, and it didn't take me long to realize it was Bella's teeth knocking together. And it was no wonder! Her clothing was soaked from God knows what, this tunnel certainly wasn't the warmest place on earth, and being pressed up against my body most likely wasn't helping matters. I let go of her quickly, only keeping a hold on her hand.

"N-n-no," she protested, throwing her arms around me. Though I enjoyed the physical contact, and wasn't about to deny her anything, I was still worried about her discomfort. I began rubbing her arms briskly, praying that friction would help at least a little. Felix's continuous sighing at Bella's human pace was growing increasingly irritating.

We stepped through the doorway into the castle, and Bella instantly relaxed. Of course she would. This place was designed to be relaxing to humans, so they didn't have a clue as to what was happening when they were brought here for 'dinner,' and didn't think to call somebody on their cell phones. I tensed, jaw clenching, as most everyone there was anticipating Heidi's arrival within the hour. We would most likely be thrown into the mix of humans brought by Heidi, or at least I suspected as much.


End file.
